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The Story of the Last Resort: Part Nine

Spring turned into summer, and Victoria and Suzanne made the trip up to Eagle River for some Northwoods vacation time. I had moved back into a 3 bedroom cottage as the weather was warm enough for the non-winterized plumbing to work okay.

I hired Barry Netrour to change out the electrical panel in the bedroom next to the bathroom shower wall. The old electrical panel had vintage screw in fuses, and I wanted to upgrade to circuit breakers. The first time I used the shower everything was going along well until I looked at the shower wall shared with the bedroom. There were 4 large lag screws sticking through the wall and into the shower. I was not only surprised but a whole lot of angry that this country bumpkin managed to make this kind of mistake. I finished my shower without gouging myself on the sharp screws and bleeding to death. I toweled off and decided to see if I could twist the lags back out of the shower and fix the fiberglass wall. As I grabbed the first one, I noticed it flexed and bent at the wall. Turns out Mr. Barry cut off the heads of the 4 lag screws and used silicone to attach them to the shower wall! Well, turns out the bumpkin had a pretty good sense of humor. One good one for Barry.

One evening, I took all three girls to the Colonial House ice cream shop (which is now Soda Pops) for a dessert treat. We slipped in a nice little antique booth and all ordered our treats. As we were eating our ice cream, the gentleman in the next booth lit up a cigar. The smoke and smell was dreadful. I said to him “Excuse me sir, but would you consider waiting to smoke the cigar until you were outside?” He replied, “If you do not like it, then move.” So I said “come on kids, we will move to another booth.” The girls all got up and as I got up, I think my foot caught on the seat base, and the entire contents of my glass of water managed to land on the man’s head and cigar. He started screaming that he was assaulted and told the manager to call the police. Well they came, and he filed an assault with water complaint against me. They did not arrest me but gave me a court date.

I prepared for the trial with testimony, graphic drawings of the booth and a photo of the size of my 13 shoe and a large poster board of the interior of the restaurant. The trial date came, and I made my way to the court room and sat in the gallery. My case was called: The State of Wisconsin versus John Lumley for assault with water. I stood up and made my way to the defense table. The District Attorney told the Judge that the plaintiff was not present. The Judge told the DA that he would have to dismiss the charges. Now wait just a minute. I want my day in court. I said to the Judge, “Your honor, may I approach the bench?” He said “No you may not, speak your piece from there.” I said “Your honor, I would like to make a motion for a continuance on behalf of the plaintiff.” The Judge rolled his eyes and said “Case dismissed, next case”. I guess I had been watching too much Perry Mason.

To be continued………

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